Oh Boy
by jazzlawes
Summary: She's so easy to fall for but boy, she's so hard to hold. She looks at you like a warning. You better slow it down, you're running on unsolid ground, she'll never slow down for you. Post MockingJay. Peeta's POV mostly.
1. Prologue

They said I would get better.

_It takes time. You'll be back to normal before you know it. In a couple of months you won't even remember it. You will be fine._

_You will be fine. Fine. _Fine.

What is fine? It's been thirteen months and twelve days since I came back to the Victor's village, since I came back _home_. I am not _fine_. I have done everything in my power to be _fine. _I have done everything that was up to me. Wake up. Shower. Cook. Eat. Work. Paint. Shower. Cook. Eat. Sleep. Nightmare. Sleep. Nightmare. Wake up.

I am not _fine. _I barely speak to anyone since I came back. I don't speak with Haymitch; I don't even get to see Katniss. _Katniss_. She doesn't leave her house. She doesn't hunt. She doesn't wave. She doesn't smile. She doesn't let anyone in. The only way we know she is alive is because we can hear her at night, _I can hear her at night_.

She screams. Every night at around 1am, she screams. It goes on for hours, every single night. She cries out different names. _Rue, Finnick, Prim._ Those are the ones I can hear the most. Occasionally she calls out her mother; occasionally she calls out her father. No Gale, no _me. _

The last time I saw her was three weeks ago, I caught her looking out her living room window towards mine, her eyes empty. She looked skinnier, she looked _unhealthy_. But there is nothing I can do about that. Like I said, she won't leave her house. She doesn't let anyone it. Not even me.

Sometimes I feel like checking up on her, but the only thing I can bear to do is leave food in front of her door every morning before she gets up. I know she eats because when I come to pick it up every night after she goes to bed, the tray is empty. I wonder if that's all she eats. It probably is, she doesn't even hunt anymore. She's always inside that house.

Many have been the times I had walked up to her door with the courage to knock but soon failed, more have been the days I had made up conversations I would have with her if she would just speak to me. But she doesn't. She doesn't even answer her phone to her psychiatrist. He still calls me once a week to see if she has made any progress. I still give him nothing, I say I wish I could help, he says I can and I laugh, because I know the only person who is ever able to help Katniss Everdeen is Katniss Everdeen.

It's a cold winter night and the snow covers the ground. I can feel something is off tonight. There is no sound coming out of her room. No screaming, no crying, nothing. It is all silence. _Something is not right_.

I grab my jacket and make my way to her door, there are just a couple of steps between her house and mine but for some reason it seems like an eternity before I get there. _Is she dead? Sick? Has she left? _ I hope none of my thoughts are right as I reach for her doorknob hesitating for a moment whether I should go in or not. I haven't been inside the house since after the first games, and even then I only came in once or twice. But I can't back down this time, she could be hurt. _She could also be gone_. And that would be even worse.

The first thing I notice when I come inside is the mess and the _stench_. It almost smells worse than Haymitch's. There are broken plates and cups all over the kitchen, some food rotting on the floor and when I try to get the lights on, I notice the light bulbs are broken too. _What happened to you, Katniss?_

I make my way upstairs slowly, taking in every detail of the house. A house that has the exact same structure inside out as my house and yet is so different, it is finally now that I notice I am actually not doing that bad. This house which has been built around the same time as mine yet looks so much older. I can see some photographs hanging on the wall next to the stairs, their frames and glass broken, some of them are on the floor, others are crooked, just one is left untouched, her sister's.

When I reach the second floor and still see no light coming from any of the rooms I take time to check each one slowly, without making a sound. I'm already at the second room when I finally hear a small whimper coming from the room next to the one I am in. I don't bother being silent any more, I run up to it only to find Katniss sitting in a corner with a huge blanket wrapped around her body quietly sobbing.

I stop midway and just stand there. I don't know if she realizes I am there. Her eyes are closed and her hands are against her ears, pressing down to them as if to shut all sounds out. I no longer know what to do. This is the closer I have been to her in over a year. I am not ready, I can't face her yet. Why did I even come here in the first place? I am a danger to her, I could kill her even though it is the last thing I want to do. I am no longer myself and I can't help but feel completely useless.

_I have to do something, I have come so far. I can't just leave now that I am here._ I take a few steps closer and stop when she lifts her head up and looks me straight in the eye. _Run_ a part of me thinks, but I know that is no longer an option. She is not crying anymore, she is just sitting there, staring at me, none of us daring to say anything, daring to move.

I notice how surprisingly skinny she is. Her face is all bones and her lips have lost their color. Her eyes are hollow and her once glowing and strong hair seems brittle. This is no longer the girl on fire but the ashes remaining. I can't help but feel a bit good with my own recovery; besides the nightmares and occasional throwing up I am doing exquisitely good.

Suddenly she starts crying again, louder stronger this time. Not caring at all that I am there anymore, I am useless once again.

_No. No no no no no. __This is not happening again. I can't let her stay like this forever. This is killing her and it is killing me and it is enough. It is enough._

I can't go on doubting myself forever, with the way I am now I can't help her like I want to, but I can change into what I was. I can be her boy with the bread again. I can save her. _I have to make Katniss come back._

So I continue walking up to her after what seems like an eternity. She covers her whole face and body with the blanket and pushes herself against the corner, trying to escape from me, but there is nowhere she can run to anymore, it has been enough. This may be selfish of me, but Katniss can't go on like this forever, she needs her life back.

I lean down in front of her and take her in my arms. _She almost weights nothing. _By now she is back to sobbing as loudly as she can but I am not letting her go, not this time, not anymore.

I put her on the bed as softly as I can and lie down next to her, my face facing her back and I hold her. I hold her until she stops screaming, until she stops crying, until she falls asleep, until I fall asleep.

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**This is my very first fan fiction, reviews are welcomed :)  
I write whenever I feel inspired which is mostly whenever I relate the lyrics of a song to where my story is going. I'm going to post these songs at the end of each chapter as I am doing on this one.**

**Inspiration: Waltz for Pony - Boy / July - Boy / Apartment - Young The Giant / Hiding my heart - Adele (it's a cover) / For Emma - Bon Iver  
**  
Thanks for reading!


	2. This is the beginning

I don't know how long I was asleep but I woke up to the sound of glass breaking downstairs and no Katniss next to me. Even though I was in pain from not taking off the prosthetic leg last night I make my way downstairs as fast as I can, which unfortunately isn't as fast as I wish it could be.

I find Katniss throwing every last bit of unbroken glass and plates to the ground, she is silent and even though she appears to be stepping on the broken pieces and there is quite an amount of blood on the floor, she doesn't flinch; she just throws stuff as if immune to the pain.

I try screaming at her, I try grabbing her shoulders, I try taking everything she touches away from her, but she doesn't stop. She just keeps going, ignoring the fact that I am there, but I _know_ she knows I'm there. She has never done this before, not during the day at least. There is never noise coming out of her house during the day, it is always at night. _This is progress_ I tell myself.

After a bunch of useless tries of making her stop and noticing the pile of blood is growing bigger and bigger, I go back to the only thing that apparently will work, lifting her up in my arms and carrying her to the sofa in the living room. She doesn't go without a fight though, and kicks and screams the whole way there.

I have to get up and make her sit three times before I realize the only way I can get her to stay still is if I sit her on my lap with my arms restraining her moves. I hate doing this but those cuts aren't going to tend to themselves.

I yell out to anyone who is the closest to the house and it is not long before Greasy Sae makes her way into the house with a bucket of warm water and some gauze. She ignores the feral _thing_ in which Katniss appears to have turned into and for a moment I am really glad it was her who came to the rescue and not Haymitch or someone we don't know.

It takes well over two hours for Greasy Sae to completely remove the glass pieces out of Katniss's feet, two hours in which she barely stood still until she managed to stab my good leg with a piece of glass, after which she finally calmed down and I was able to sit her next to me. Somehow she had managed to make a couple of cuts long enough to need stitches and I knew it was going to be trouble to move her around after this.

We get Katniss to sit on the couch quietly with a book in hand and a blanket covering her body while Greasy Sae and I try our best to get the house to a presentable state, which is hardly what we achieve though we did make some impressive changes.

We threw all the broken glass and rotting food outside and I take a mental note to buy some plastic cups and plates until she calms down a bit. Greasy Sae cleans Katniss's clothes and bed sheets while I do my best to get the floors to their original reddish brown tone and remove all the broken framed photographs. _I'll get some new frames during the week_, I think before leaving then in one of the empty rooms upstairs.

Greasy Sae leaves a bit after nine when there was nothing else she could help me with. She promises she will come back in the morning to continue cleaning and I give her a bunch of money after thanking her once again for the help. I reached an agreement with Sae. She would come every day at 9 and leave once I got to Katniss's house. We would not leave her alone at any time a day, not until she had recovered a bit from the state in which she seems to be.

A part of me tells me it is wrong to keep Katniss to myself, a part of me tells me I need to get her some _real_ help. But that would imply taking her to district one or two, or even worse, the _Capitol_. And I know she can't handle that right now, if I let Katniss set foot in any of those places I would lose her for good and I can't bear the idea. No, I would do what was in my power to help her, even if that implies forcing her to take some of the _soothing_ pills I used to take when I first got back to twelve.

I leave the house for no longer than ten minutes to get some stuff from my place: a couple of shirts, pants, underwear, the pain killers for Katniss, brushes, a sketchbook and a big bag of vegetables and chicken to make some food.

I am relieved to find Katniss flipping over a book on the couch when I get back and I don't lose any time in making a warm but simple chicken soup for the both of us. I walk up to her with two cups and spoons in hand and sit down next to her. I hand her one of the cups and spoons and we both eat in silence.

A long time passes before I realize Katniss and I have yet to have a conversation or anything close to one since I first got here. I am really afraid anything I say might trigger something inside of her that makes her go mad again and that is the last thing I want.

We just sit there in front of the fire for a long time, both barely moving. She doesn't try getting any closer to me and I don't either. At this point I know it will take a long time before I can get Katniss to smile at me, let alone leave the house or walk alone with how her feet are. I feel really tired thinking of the amount of work I'll have after today and what I have gotten myself into.

Part of me is really happy that I can be by her side once again, but that is just a tiny part of me. For the most part I am completely and utterly afraid of her reaction to whatever change I will cause from now on. _I just want to help, but can I?_

Suddenly I hear a soft whisper I am sure I would have missed if the room wasn't completely silent, come from her side of the couch. "I want to sleep" she's barely audible.

I nod uncomfortably and wait, momentarily forgetting she cannot walk after cutting her feet, then quickly getting up and lifting her up in my arms the way a groom holds her bride after their wedding. This thought makes me blush but it seems Katniss doesn't share my thoughts as her eyes stare blankly somewhere in the room.

I take Katniss to her room and softly place her on her bed like I did the night before, though this time I stand awkwardly next to her bed for a while, waiting. _Waiting for what? It's not like she is just going to invite you to sleep next to her_. And even though a part of me really did hope Katniss would do so, she doesn't. Instead she turns her back on me and says nothing. Leaving it up to me and I realize that I am not sure what I am supposed to do right now.

_If I go to sleep in the next room I would be giving her too much space and she might do something._ _If I sleep next to her she might do the same thing as today. If I sleep on the chair that's next to her bed she could think I don't have faith in her and react in a way I don't want her to. If, if, if._

After what appears to have been a long ten minutes I decide to sleep in the room next to hers, convincing myself that she and I both needed to slowly get used to this new selfish arrangement I had made without consulting her, _not that she was in a state of talking to anyone_. I make my way back to the other room and move the bed next to the wall that separates her room and my new one as quietly as I can in case she screams or anything and quickly fall asleep thinking_ I made the right choice_.

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**Thanks for the reviews guys! They made me very happy :) I am making a very quick update here mostly because I already had part of the chapter written and also I can't sleep :c **  
**Anyway here is my inspiration songs list: a bitter song - Butterfly Boucher / Cocoon - The Decemberists / I don't mind - The Decemberists / Requiem on the Water - Imperial Mammoth / That Year - Brandi Carlile / Cold - Aqualung & Lucy Schwartz**

**Please let me know what you thought of this chapter and if there are any changes that need to be made! Thanks for reading :)**


	3. A Dark Day

It wasn't until next morning, when I find myself alone in the house, that I know I didn't. I can't find Katniss anywhere. She is gone, real gone this time. I run aimlessly around the remains of town searching for her, asking whoever I bump into. By now they all know who she is, she couldn't have gone far without someone recognizing her, yet no one seems to have seen her. Some even ask if she is still living in District Twelve.

It takes me three excruciating rounds around the Seam, the now abandoned mines and the new part of town to remember that the only place in which Katniss felt safe after her father passed away are the woods, the now fenceless woods. I am exhausted, the sun is closer to the west, but I don't stop.

The woods are not a place I often visit; I haven't since I was a kid. My brothers would sometimes bring me here to scare me. _Run Peeta! Don't let the wolf catch you!_ The memories make my throat tighten, and I know I can't let them get to me; who knows how far Katniss has gone by now. I hope not too far, there are still some undetonated bombs lying around. _You would notice if one would have gone off_, I tell myself in reassurance. It helps, but I still can't find her.

When nighttime hits I sit on top of a large boulder in the middle of the forest. I know this rock, it's the fourth time I've seen it in two hours. My frustration runs high. I don't know these woods; I don't know how they work. _If it was Gale here instead of me, he would know where to find her; she would be safe by now._ But Gale is no longer here, he has left like the others. I doubt Katniss could stand the sight of him after… after everything.

It feels like I have been running in circles for hours, and I hate it. I want to leave. I want to crawl into my warm bed after lighting a fire and sleep, maybe even take one of my old prescription pills. _Who cares about Katniss?_ _She can take care of herself_. She doesn't even want me here; there is no other reason as to why she ran in the first place. _I tried to help and now she's gone._ She can take care of herself. After all, she _is_ the great and all mighty Katniss Everdeen.

No,_ she's not._ My mind fights back. _She's no longer the girl on fire. You know that, you saw how she was yesterday; she's hurt, she's sick. _The 'good' part, the _old_ part of me says. The _real_ Peeta.

Most of the time I hate that my mind has been taken away from me and then brought back. _They should have just killed me; they should have just made me forget everything. _A large portion of my memories are back, not everything of course; some things will never be. I can still remember a lot of my past self, of the _good_ Peeta, the _kind and loving_ Peeta. I miss that Peeta, if you could say. I don't how if it is even possible to miss _yourself_.

I wish there was some way I could bring him completely back and make _myself_ disappear. I know I am still not the same, I can see it when people talk to me. They look at me with different eyes, _confused _eyes. As if they're talking to a familiar face yet an unknown personality. I hate this. Katniss needs the old Peeta to help. _I_ need the old Peeta to help. Katniss doesn't like _me_, she liked _him. _

My self pity and despair are interrupted when I hear some branches brake in the distance; this is the first sound I have heard, besides my own stomping, in hours. I get up as fast as I can, considering how tired I am and how much this damn leg slows me, and run in the direction it came from. It doesn't take me long to reach a small lake.

I don't see anyone at first, I just stand there. Twenty seconds must have passed when I see a figure coming out of the water on the other side. I can't see the face, but it is definitely a woman, and she's completely naked. _Katniss_.

I make my way around the lake as fast as I can without making a sound, which is really slow, too slow. Luckily it's not a big lake; I easily make my way around it in less than ten minutes. And Katniss has chosen not to run either.

She just sits in front of the lake, her legs stretched out, and arms supporting her upper body against the grass. I can only imagine the damage her little "trip" will do to her feet. _I should have taken more care. I shouldn't have left her alone, what was I thinking?_ It is already too late to have these thoughts.

Once I reach her I don't sit, but instead I stand behind her, five steps behind her. Too close for her to run, too far away to touch her. Neither of us makes a sound and the silence turns awkward, awkward for me. Katniss doesn't move, doesn't open her eyes, she just breathes. In and out, in and out, in and out; I don't move either.

A long time passes before I decide to sit down next to her. She never asked and neither did I, but she didn't refuse it either. I sit about one foot away from her and the silence returns, only this time I am much more at ease. _She's okay_.

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**This update is a lot shorter than the others, I know! I'm sorry. If I didn't cut it over there, it would have been too long. Next chapter will be a lot longer than the first two though, I think you'll like it.**

Inspiration: The Boy Who Drank Stars - Joe Hisaishi (this is really the only thing I listened to while writing.)

**Thanks for the lovely reviews! It makes me so happy to know people are actually liking this! :)**


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